2 Subtle Ways Someone Uses Fear to Control You | How to Stop Fear-Based Responses

7 min readJul 21, 2023

How to stop being taken advantage of for good.

Why Fear Controls You

How often do you find yourself thinking — “I don’t follow your rules because I believe in them. I follow them out of fear.”

How long will a parent’s reign of power last when the relationship foundation with the child is built on instilling fear and rejecting any opposing views the child has? Describe the primary tactics your parents used to get you to perform a request. Why did you obey or disobey them?
How can you break free from the invisible chains of childhood emotional neglect when you subconsciously engage in people-pleasing behaviors to prevent feeling the wrath from upsetting others? Describe what role you play in your primary social groups — do you give in to others and do anything they ask, do you seek out others solely to fulfill your needs, do you isolate yourself from any and all social interactions, or do you find a healthy balance between catering to yourself and others needs?

Those were the two most prominent prompts my therapist encouraged me to face and journal my thoughts on last year, which eventually led to breaking the 13-year dam my inner child was suffocated by. I encourage you to take 10–20 minutes to write down or record a video diary to answer the above questions to understand where your fear comes from and why it may still control you.

How to Stop Fear from Controlling You

Let’s explore practical strategies and tools to learn how to heal childhood wounds by tracking your feelings, identifying your needs, setting healthy boundaries, and accepting support.

Tactic 1: They use your insecurities against you

Resolution: Write down your insecurities and re-write the inner critic/limiting beliefs into positive beliefs.

Outcome: Awareness of when and why you feel self-conscious, guilty, shameful, and/or fearful takes away power from people that want to throw those less-than-desirable aspects of yourself back in your face. Half the battle is understanding your inner demons, and once you make peace with them, you take a significant portion of the ammunition harmful people want to use against you.

Tactic 2: Publically shame you around people you don't know

Resolution: People who choose to speak badly about others tells more about their poor character compared to the mistakes you made in your past. No one has a perfect past nor participates in perfect behavior. Acknowledging your faults, the imperfect qualities of yourself, and choosing to participate in habits to improve your life is better than dwelling on the past mistakes that you cant go back and change. It happened already, so make every effort to not repeat those mistakes.

Outcome: Those who choose to listen to harmful people that attempt to shame or hurt your image before you get a chance to meet them have the opportunity to either carelessly believe anything people tell them or recognize that there are two sides to every story and take the time get to know you for themselves. Release the outcome. You can't control how people feel about you. All you can do is show up as your true self and people will decide if they want to be part of your life or not.

Healthy Habits to Stop Fear-Based Responses

Time stops for no one, and self-care MUST be a top priority to effectively participate in life. Jumpstart or revamp your current daily routine using the examples below:

1. Drink Water for Optimal Vitality: Clear skin, healthy hair & nails, and high energy levels can’t be maintained without the clear liquid of life — so what are you waiting for?

2. Prioritize a Realistic Sleep Schedule + Wind Down Routine: Observe your nighttime routine and identify where you need to make changes to feel relaxed enough for a night of deep sleep. If you struggle with creating a consistent wind-down routine, there are resources you can check out on Headspace here.

3. Add 2–3 Colors to Every Meal: Your taste pallet deserves to experience a wide variety of proteins, veggies, grains, and fruits. Make eating a game by checking off how many of each category you add to your plate, with bonus points for every color variety you add.

4. Bust a Move Often: The more mental stress you experience, the more pent-up energy exists inside you. Take time every day to help your overworked brain by shutting out the world to physically release all the pain, frustrations, and annoyances that manifested in your body.

5. Invest in Self-Awareness with Mindfulness Exercises: Find a medium to express yourself and get to know who you are without judgment. From journaling, voice memos, interpretive dance (recorded), video diary entries, to therapy/group discussions, explore options that allow you to best get in tune with your true voice.

6. Disconnect from Technology: Aside from necessary medical-related apps/devices, take time to unplug from distracting social media apps, messaging notifications, and non-life-threatening news alerts for at least 10 minutes a day.

7. Give & Receive Gratitude: When you express appreciation for what brings you fulfillment in life, you unknowingly spread that infectious joy to others. Write in your journal (or use a video diary if you prefer to speak) and document 3 things you are grateful for today, then find at least 3 people to show gratitude to.

Volunteer your skills and talents to help someone
Replace a negative, self-defeating thought with a positive, self-affirming one — and believe it
Choose a healthy coping mechanism to deal with emotional pain — like deep breathing or taking a walk — instead of doing something self-destructive.

8. Appreciate Mother Nature Often: Get back in touch with your roots by hugging a tree, smelling the flowers, or enjoying a nature trail. There are countless benefits to spending time outside — check out the article by the American Psychological Association detailing how spending time in nature can positively impact you today — Nurtured by nature: Psychological research is advancing our understanding of how time in nature can improve our mental health and sharpen our cognition

9. Prioritize Self-Care + Self-Worth: Identify the areas of your life that you feel dissatisfied in, create a vision board of how you desire that area of your life to look, and make that vision board your top focus for the month. Unapologetically explore activities that both allow you to care for your physical and mental well-being while practicing positive self-talk to negate any limiting beliefs your inner critic wants you to fall prey to.

10. Join Social Groups: You won’t know your full potential until you go out to explore the world and make new connections. Treading water in one pond your whole life will limit you to just one area of life. Go out and explore the ocean freely. Use your boundaries to navigate through uncomfortable or unsafe situations and allow yourself to take calculated risks to see how you evolve. Your soul tribe is out there waiting to meet the real you.

Conclusion

Prove to yourself how capable you are by getting started today. Don’t let another day pass you by of being “sick and tired” of your same old self-sabotaging ways. Let the hunger for a better life drive you toward success. You are not alone in this journey and you can embrace the ups and downs of your progress as a team.

How to Get Started | Free Digital/Printable Tools

I designed a free digital and physical print Wellness Journey tool to help you get started. Join the community to access the self-improvement resource database and take control of your life today! Are you ready to transform your life?

Print: My Wellness Journey | Daily Journal + Habit Tracker + Life Planner + Health Log

Digital: Emotion Regulation & Life Quality Manager | Ultimate Life Planner 🎯 | Notion Template

Who would you be today without the burdens of your trauma, insecurities, and fears holding you back? Please keep fighting, you are worth it.

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